Some Moments...

Weeks before my Peanut was born, my girlfriend gave me the best advice I've received thus far in parenthood-- you're going to have a breakdown and when you do, sit in the closet and don't forget to bring the ice cream. When the Peanut was first born, I remember looking at her and thinking this parenting thing, it's never going to get old. I don't know what she was talking about but I know I am going to savor each and every moment with this baby for the rest of my life. The first time those tiny eyes stared back into mine I remember thinking that I could stare into those baby blue eyes forever, without a care in the world.  The first time she smiled at me, truly smiled at me, the world as I previously knew it collapsed and nothing on the planet mattered but the 8lbs in my arms. And, there's always an and, life happened. I went back to work when she was three nearly three months old. I was struggling, immensely, with the balance of life, work, home, marriage and friendships. Somewhere in the shuffle, I lost my identity. I was going through all the motions but not really enjoying any of it. I was present physically, but mentally I had checked out. Then came the break down. I had been back at work for about a month maybe a little longer when the mounting pressure from readjusting to work and trying to manage a home while taking care of a newborn finally erupted. Erupted it did. I sobbed all day at work until finally my boss told me to go home. I called my girlfriend and sobbed all the way home while talking to her. I walked in the door and finally really, exploded on my mom and then my husband.

I retreated to my bathroom, sat on the floor and heaved huge sobs and ginormous tears. Something had to give and my girlfriend was right, I wish I would've brought the ice cream.

Reflecting over this past year I've realized that's what parenting is all about. It's exhausting; emotionally, mentally and physically. There are moments when I don't feel like I can handle another crisis or tantrum. When I think one more crying fit might just send me over the edge for the day or I can't possible fathom doing laundry or dishes that are screaming my name louder than my daughter. There are moments when bed time comes fifteen minutes early and I'm pushing back tears walking up the steps with her because I feel guilty that I can't muster up enough patience for another few minutes. But it also is the most rewarding thing I've done in the 27 years I've been alive.

Blocks and books consume my evenings after dinner and bath time, where I'm sure to get as wet as the baby. Giggles, coos, hearing the word Mama and slobbery kisses make my worst days instantly better, if only for a second. And then there are the moments like this morning, when I know, above all else, I was put on this planet to raise this little girl. Moments like this morning, when at 4:30 she wakes up and cries out for us. When we're too tired to get up so we put her in between us and she snuggles in my neck and I breathe in those baby smells. The hair around her neck tickling my cheeks. When, for just a moment, I stop breathing just to hear her soft breath and see the peacefulness that encompasses her. Moments when I lay in bed an extra five minutes just so that I can hold her a minute longer. My baby won't be a baby much longer and won't want or need to be held in the early morning soon. Those moments are fast approaching. Her independence gaining by the minute.

Parenting is the hardest job I've ever had. Likewise, there isn't a big enough bonus to cover the benefits of parenting.  It's taken some time to find the right groove but above all I've learned there is no perfect balance. Some evenings, take out will be what's for dinner simply because I don't have the energy to cook a meal. Some nights, bed time will come later because building blocks and singing songs are more fun and some nights Grandma or Gdad will be the one doing the bed time routine because the husband and I need a night out to reconnect. No one promised me it would be easy, but I will tell them it's more than worth it.

To the new parents out there or the old pros that need a reminder. It gets better. Grab some ice cream and just hang on.